Fresh new start, no more A-B-Cs...X, Y, Z too

I have been meaning to update here but just darn busy with life. Excuses after excuses, I know. I want to start fresh with the start of the new year. Yes no more 'A's, 'X's, 'B's, 'C's...'D's.. for now. I just realised how free I feel without anyone by my side now. Yes enjoy your single life, while it last :p

So what has happened for the past couple of weeks? Pure heaven. Went to Europe with my family and friends only to be hit by the worst winter in 30 years. Mom said she has never seen so much snow in her life and I said, so do I mom. She hit me with a snowball. Then the whole gang started to throw snowballs to each other. Ah, family's the best.

I was really enjoying myself during the holidays that I have forgotten about any of those letters that came and touched my heart before. 'A'? Well, he contacted me during New Year's Eve when I was still away, wishing me a Happy New Year. A short one. Not even asking how I am. I didn't reply to that. He left without words, dissepearing into the thin air and yes, he hurt me.

'X' also wished me a Happy New Year and at least he asked how and where I was. Again, I didn reply to it. 'P' also wished me the same and in fact, he called me. He knew I was not in Brunei but didn't ask where I was, only wishing me a great time. Ah, so sweet. 'P' actually contacted me around mid-December, asking if I remember him. I didnt expect him to call me as I thought he would have forgotten me the moment he left the club while we were in Singapore.

I am still thinking of the holidays. I wish everyday is a holiday. For privacy reason, I am not uploading any pics. Just words. I will continue tomorrow, oh, its already Saturday. I am so sleepy now. I will update this post again. Good night Yayai...hehe. Sorry I didnt get back to you sooner. I will drop by your blog before I sleep. Take care and sweet dreams.

I'm done

I was listening to PSD's "I'm done" late yesterday on my iPod when memories started to flash right before my eyes. Luckily I was in bed and not driving. I dedicated that song to 'X' the moment I realised I was in love with him, many years ago. Oh yes, I do still think of 'X' every now and then, not that I have a feeling for him, just memories of him, of us, our time together. I am only human.

Reminiscing my days (and nights) with 'X'; I would say that we both did have great and bad moments together, more downs than ups I think. The fights, the arguments and the tears filled our moments. Maybe we both have our own self-ego and are stubborn. Most of the reasons were his lies. 'X' is not a good liar. Sometimes he just made-up stories that didn't make sense to my ears. Sometimes, he told me a story-line only to tell me another version the next time the same subject was brought up.

Last year he was on a business trip to KL which took him to the New Year. Yes, he spent his New Year without me. He's so cruel. He said he was going alone. Thats fine with me. Alone or with his colleagues, it didn't matter that much to me as long as he was telling me the truth. On the third evening he was in KL, he sent me pictures of him at a club through MMS. One thing that I notcied when I was looking at the pictures was there's an image of this girl which appeared in almost all of those pictures he sent to me.

The girl was either behind him, at a distance, next to him or in front of him. When I asked him who the girl was, he said, she's a hostess or waitress. Fine. When I picked him up at the airport upon his arrival home, I saw the same girl, a couple of passengers away from him with a huge luggage in tag. I had a good look at the girl and the girl looked uncomforatble, avoiding my stare. 'X' and I left the airport in 'our' car.

In the car, I told 'X' that the girl at the airport look the same as the 'waitress' in the pictures he sent me. He froze. Suddenly, he wept like a baby and told me, unshamelessly and in between sobs that he has been seeing that girl for the past couple of months. I was driving at that time and we were somewhere along the highway. When I heard his confessions, I applied the brake and asked him to step out of the car.

At first he thought I was joking and I shook my head. I was already in tears. I was beyond words. I kept on asking him to get out of the car. He did at last and I left him with his luggage still inside the car. I went home, switched off my phone and cried my eyes out. I remember I had my instinct telling me that he was seeing someone else and it was true. How devastating, well, at that time. Now, I just remember that awful night and hope it will fade to black one day.

So whats hapening with 'X' now? His pleas and appeals are getting less and less now and he didn't know I am on leave. I hope he didn't check on my office place. Maybe he's gone tired and I bet he will surely give up come New Year. I am so done with him.

Cool Tuesday

I was awoken by a buzz from my handphone at 6ish this morning. My colleague, 'J' called to ask if we can have breakfast. That girl is an early-riser. I havent seen her for the past couple of weeks as she was away on leave and then I am on leave now.

We agreed to have, where else with the best 'Roti Kawin' in town but at Jing Chew in Gadong. The place was packed with people, mostly early-risers like 'J' I presumed, and mostly men. The first time I went to that place, I felt uncomfortable as there were so many men, out-numbering women. A couple of desks were filled by families with children. School-holidays this time of the year here in Brunei.

So over one Roti Kawin each, 'J' and I exchanged stories and what's happening at work and other stuff, mostly gossips. I found out that my boss would be stationed to a new branch with a promotion come new year and our Deputy will take her place. Well, its about time that boss of ours got the job she deserved. I admire her.

She's a single mom with three small children. I heard that her husband left her for a younger girl, not that she's old just that the girl's young, maybe 20 or in her early 20's. All the time I worked under her for these four years now, I have never seen or heard her with another man. Once another colleague said that her children are her priority and she really worked her to climb up to where she is now. I pray for her success.

It was a long chat with 'J' as the Roti Kawin was really big for my small tummy. We parted at around 8 where 'J' have to go to work, or else, she said, she would love to go for a second round of breakfast at Taurean with me. Ah, so sweet. Next time 'J'.

I didn't do much after that but drive around endlessly, window-shopping and at last settled for a small soft pillow for me to hug in bed. Tuesday went by so quickly. I pray there will be no more drama for me.

Amazing weekend

I had an amazing weekend with my best friend 'Z'. Sort of like a therapy for me. Well, for 'Z' it was also a therapy for she's a shopaholic. The meaning of Singapore in her vocabulary means shopping. All we did during those four days were shopping, shopping and more shopping. Yes we went clubbing too. Zouk is and will always be the best club around.

'Z' was really sympathetic with what that has happened to me. Not just with 'A' but with 'X' as well. The moment she learnt what happened that weekend when 'X' confronted 'A'; she straight away offered herself to accompany me to get away from Brunei for awhile. I was hesistant at first because I thought 'A' would wanted to contact me or meet up but days past without any single word from him.

When I realised that 'A' has no further interest to communicate with me, I agreed to 'Z' suggestion. I was the one who suggested that we should go to Singapore, much to 'Z' delight. 'Z' kindly paid for our tickets and we shared the hotel bills. I left my handphone behind, only letting my close family members on which hotel we were staying.

On the first hour we landed in Singapore, 'Z' could not wait to go out shopping. I had other things in my mind, no, nope 'A' but the hotel's spa. I have made an advance booking for a relaxing massage there when we booked our accomodation online. Ah, the wonders of online.

So I went for a full three hours heavenly massage while 'Z' went out alone to do her shopping. She's a big girl what. She doesnt need me to nanny her. In fact, 'Z' is a pro-shopper. She knows which outlet has the best deal and she can spot a sale from a distance. I always joke that maybe she was born with a 'shopping' intuition in her brain.

On the first evening, we went to Zouk and had fun clubbing, dancing like crazy. I love to dance and I was dancing for hours there. Thinking back, I can't believe that I could still dance like I used to during my uni days, or nights. When I had had enough of dancing, I went to search for 'Z' and there she was, chatting with two cute Chinese guys. 'Z' introduced me to the guys. Plesantries exchanged, I realised that my eyes were hooked to one of the guys, 'P'. The next information was kinda pleasing to my ears as I came to know that the guys were actually Bruneians!

'P' joked that Brunei is small and yet we met in Singapore, of all places. I agreed. 'P' is a journalist by qualification but has a small IT business in Brunei, while supporting his family business which has outlets in Brunei, Singapore and Toronto. His friend, 'S' is also a businessman, helping his family business as well and I gathered that they were in Singapore for business mainly.

It was almost two when we parted. 'P' promised to call me when I am in Brunei as they were to leave Singapore the next day. I also don't have my handphone with me which was abit hard to explain to him. He didnt pursue on asking why I don't have my phone with me and that was really refreshing.

'Z' could sense that 'P' like me and I just replied saying that 'P' might just be trying to be nice and would not expect a call from him anytime soon. Well, we just arrived yesterday so I am not expecting any call from him these few days. I also didn't ask for his number. I don't know I didnt ask; it just slip my mind. I guess I was not ready to contact anyone now and not expecting anything at all.

So, the second and third day we were there, we, or more to 'Z' actually, were on a shopping spree along Orchid Road. I felt like going on a marathon. There was also this crazy, end of the year sale and everyone was picking and taking everything in sight. At one stage I gave up because I could not compete with serious shoppers like 'Z'. I took a seat and watched her doing her shopping. I later told her that it looked like she was in another planet when she was shopping. She laughed.

Singapore's latest shopping Mall, the Ion is just so amazing. I came to know that the building has EIGHT floors for shopping with big names like GUCCI and Armani and from the ninth floor to the 54th floor would be residential units including four penthouses. If I am super rich, I would surely buy on of the units. I love Singapore. In the evenings we went club-hopping, mainly along Clarke Quay and days filled with more shopping.

When it was time to check-out, 'Z' still managed an hour or so of last minute shopping. That girl. At the airport, I asked if she wanted to get hold of the tax-free shops and she said yes. I have no idea how much she has spent her money on shopping but she can afford it. I am more of a saver.

So what did I bought? Alot of Marks & Spencer chocolates as give-aways to my colleagues and family and one or two expensive dresses for corporate functions. I hope the dresses will not go out of style. In Brunei we dont have themed fashion like 2009 Winter look or Blossom Spring, etc. I am not into fashion too, just as long as my clothes are comfortable, thats all that matters to me.

And guess what, I didnt think of either 'A' or 'X' at all. I guess the trip was really healing. I still have two more weeks for my leave and I have not planned on what to do as yet. Might be hopping next doors. I look forward to my new life, again.

Solitude

I honestly googled for the word solitude. I know what it means but I just want to make sure I got the right description. According to the wikipedia,

Solitude is a state of seclusion or isolation; i.e., lack of contact with people. It may stem from bad relationships, deliberate choice, contagious disease, disfiguring features, repulsive personal habits, mental illness, or circumstances of employment or situation (see castaway).

Short-term solitude is often valued as a time when one may work, think or rest without being disturbed. It may be desired for the sake of privacy.

'A' text me early this morning, around five. Just a simple text saying he was sorry and he is in solitude. Thats all. I feel weak and numb, even now. What can I say or do? He need to be alone which is understandable. He needs space. This is worrying and does not equate to good.

Last night while still in bed, I sent him a very long text as he rejected my calls. I told him what happened between me and 'X'. Actually I have told him the same that first time we met. 'X' and I are done. And he accepted that.

'A' didn't respond to my long text. His only reply was that he was in solitude. Solitude? For what? To think about us? Is there us? Come to think of it, we both never declare that we are a couple though we both like each other. But what happen now? Oh I am so confused. Maybe I need a space too. I will look for my own solitude.